Name Calling
by Trefoil-underscore
Summary: In which Steve is inhumanly chill, and Arix is a little bundle of angst. More bonus material to The Mark.


"Steve."  
"Yeah, little guy?"  
Arix's response was electric. His head whipped around and he stared at Steve. "Little guy?"  
Steve looked up from the bread he'd been kneading. "Hmm?"  
"Little guy? I'm not little! I only look little when I'm standing next to _you_ , you—you walking lard bucket!"  
Steve looked mildly confused. "Sorry. I've forgotten how touchy humans can be."  
"I'm not 'little'!"  
"Alright, I was just trying to come up with a nickname, but I guess I'm pretty bad at this. Um. What's a better one? How 'bout… Sugar?"  
"Steve! My God!"  
"I'm guessing that's a no, you don't like that."  
"I think that's the first time anyone has called me sugar in a completely deadpan, non-sexual way."  
Steve looked dismayed. "Wait—why would—is there subtext here that I'm missing? OK. Sorry. I forgot—or maybe I never knew? Things change, and I don't notice, I'm just out here with my cats and the occasional dog, some zombies, trees, grass. None of them get weirded out when you call them 'sugar'."  
"Well I'm a person. Please don't call me sugar." By this time Arix was more amused than angry, but more confused than anything else, and he got loud when he was confused.  
"Um… Ummm?... Sunshine?"  
"Is that appropriate?"  
"Is it?"  
"I don't know, I don't think I'm the most cheerful person."  
"I think you are."  
"I've spent the last week deranged and screaming and insisting on extra lanterns and you say I'm cheerful?"  
"Alright, maybe not Sunshine. That sounds dumb anyway."  
"It does."  
"So… what fits you?"  
"I don't know. The Great and Powerful One!"  
"The Great and Powerful One!"  
"The Great and Powerful One!"  
"The Great and Powerful One!"  
"Or not."  
"Mm." Steve plopped the bread onto a baking sheet and rinsed his hands, wiping them on the sides of his pants.  
"Just call me Arix."  
"I guess I will." He slid the bread into the oven and looked proudly at it. "Where's the fun in that, though?"  
"You're one of few people who pronounce it correctly, lardbucket."  
Steve made a disgusted sound. "Now you have a nickname for me and I don't have one for you."  
"You'd call that a nickname? So you don't mind at all? That's good, I guess." Steve was being very chill about this.  
"Squid?"  
"What about it?"  
"I don't know! I'm really grasping here."  
"Steve, I am not a squid."  
"I'm not a lardbucket."  
"Yes you are."  
"No I'm not." Arix silently poked Steve's belly. "What are you doing?"  
"Let's see. Cake… cake… bread… muffins….cake….beefsteaks…"  
"You forgot the bacon."  
"Nope, bacon's over here."  
"Ow."  
"Why do you put up with me, anyway?"  
"Because I like you," said Steve plainly. "Keep talking."  
"What about?"  
"Anything. I don't know much about you. It's good to hear someone else's voice after a hundred years of silence."  
"So you haven't had much chance for conversation. One of the primary rules is never to tell people you like them."  
"Why not?"  
"Er… I don't know."  
"So this is one of those things that everyone does and nobody understands. Is there some sort of secret code for telling you I think you're great while also preserving a crusty exterior?" This was getting far too involved. All Arix knew, or particularly cared about, was that Steve was so blunt it was startling.  
"Have I ever told you about the time I set someone's hat on fire?"  
"No, you haven't. Please do. Was it someone you knew?"  
"Nope. Just a random person. They cut in front of me though, and almost knocked me into the gutter. It was a pity, it was a nice hat."  
"Did you intend to do it?"  
"Heck no. I never intend to do cool stuff, remember? When I try, it doesn't work, and then when I'm just walking along thinking about my lunch I set a stranger's hat on fire." Arix hesitated. "They looked snobbish. They probably deserved it." They both laughed.  
"Do you often set things on fire without intending to?"  
"Not often, no. …although, that may not have been the only time…"  
"How many times has this happened!?"  
"I can't remember off the top of my head and anyway, it's your turn for an anecdote. What sort of exciting things have happened to you lately?"  
"Besides rescuing your sorry butt? Hmm. 'Exciting' is usually not something I enjoy." Steve thought for a few moments. The bread was starting to fill the treehouse kitchen with a pleasant smell. "There's a hillside not too far from here where the ground is all loose rock, with some trees growing through it. I sit there sometimes. It's often where I first see a storm coming." He paused. "Wow. That's really boring."  
A politer person might have said something about how poetic it was, or what a pretty picture it painted. Arix shrugged. "Meh."  
"I really don't do much. Well, except get killed horribly, and come back all traumatized, and have to get over the trauma, and then die again. Oh, one of my cats had kittens. I saw them when I was back at my base getting supplies."  
"Lovely."  
"I fell in lava once. It's really weird, being smothered and burned at the same time."  
"You fell in? What were you trying to do?"  
"I was leaping gracefully back and forth across a chasm. Except not gracefully. And in the end not at all."  
"Well that sounds stupid."  
"That's a bit harsh coming from someone who cannot even button their pants properly," said Steve with great dignity.  
"No it—wait, what?" Arix looked down. Steve snickered. Arix looked up suspiciously. Steve was smiling.  
"Made you look."  
"Now, that's just childish."  
"I think I'm getting the hang of this human thing."  
Arix narrowed his eyes at him. "You ass." Steve laughed. Arix sighed. "You're not really a lardbucket, by the way."  
"I know, bud. I know." He had to make an effort to stop laughing.  
"Wait. What was that?"  
"What?"  
"What you said. Bud?"  
"Oh. Why is that offensive?"  
"Oddly enough it's not. I'm fine with that one."  
"Oh, well then. That's good, bud."

 **A/N: The Great and Powerful One! (** ** _The Great and Powerful One!_** **) Is an Egg's Guide to Minecraft reference.**


End file.
